Days 1 & 2 Recap
This is a continuation of my Hawaiian Adventure started here. If you haven’t checked it out, you’re seriously missing out on some prime aviation geek airliner discussion. Day 1 “flew by”, literally, in terms of travel. But no major issues or hiccups, thankfully. Day 2 kicked off with some epic canyon action at Waimea Canyon, followed by a delightful feast at the one and only Puka Dog. However, our Napali coast dinner cruise got the ol’ “rain check” treatment due to some questionable weather forecasts. And to top it all off, those New York Giants knocked me out of my $3000 NFL survivor pool, one that was down to the final four people. But the fun is just getting started…
Day 3
Early Morning traffic
We had to drag ourselves out of bed at 5 AM because we had an early morning date with the Wailua River. I had booked a tour that included kayaking down the river and then a hike to Uluwehi Falls, also known as “Secret Falls”. Surprisingly, the 5 AM alarm wasn’t too bad since we were still kind of on central time, where it was 9 AM. The amount of traffic early in the morning as we headed into the Lihue area caught me off guard. Little did I know, this wasn’t a one-time thing. The traffic around Lihue was the worst I’ve experienced on any of the islands. It felt like we were in rush hour, even though it was early. Maybe it was the extra visitors from Maui, but we found ourselves at a standstill in bumper to bumper traffic multiple times during our trip.
Despite the traffic, we reached the tour operator’s shop before anyone else, even before our guide. Now, let’s talk about the weather. It wasn’t really pouring, but there was a bit of a drizzle on and off. And guess what? This drizzle would remain around, on and off, until we were boarding the plane to leave. The wind wasn’t too crazy (yet), and thankfully, the temperature was quite pleasant. It was just the light rain that made sure everything, including us, was wet.
Kayak Zack
Our guide, Kayak Zack, arrived and inquired about the whereabouts of our water and snacks, as these were not included in the tour package. Although I had been aware of this beforehand, I had completely forgotten about it. So the city slickers ventured across the street to the gas station to gather the necessary provisions. Upon our return, we found another couple had arrived. They appeared to be only slightly more prepared than us.
We followed Kayak Zack’s truck to the marina where we would begin our journey. After some kayak instruction and a safety briefing, we were launching our kayaks into the river. When I booked this tour, I was expecting a little 3 feet deep stream we would float down on our kayaks for a bit and then the “hike” would be like a 1/2 mile walk down a road to the waterfall where there would be a gift shop and a visitors center. I was completely wrong! This was a serious river and some very large boats went flying by us at various times. And when we got to the hiking portion…. well, we will discuss that later.
Wailua River Kayaking
Kayak Zack hinted several times that the suggested pairings for the kayaks should be the strongest (me, of course… why are you laughing) and the weakest (our youngest daughter). But she insisted on going with her mother for the first leg of the trip, so my oldest daughter, who is every bit as strong as my wife, and I boarded our kayak and led the way out of the marina. Once out on the open water, the setting was beautiful and the experience was WAY beyond what I had expected when booking the excursion.
The 2 mile journey down the river was truly an unforgettable adventure. The couple accompanying us initially faced some challenges with their kayak control, but soon we were all sailing down the river like seasoned mariners, out on the high seas in search of water rapidly plunging off a 100ft cliff. The thrill of the adventure was truly unparalleled, and every twist and turn of the river only added to the anticipation of what awaited us at the falls.
Hiking To Secret Falls
I never expected the hike to be as challenging as it turned out to be. Maybe to most people it would have been a walk in the park. Looking back, it wasn’t that bad for me either. But this IT/Computer/Aviation Nerd was envisioning a casual stroll up a driveway, taking a few photos of a charming little waterfall, enjoying a picnic at some benches, and then hopping on a bus back to our car. Instead, I’m nearly falling on my ass, slipping in mud, navigating over boulders, forging across rivers, and eating lunch of the side of a roughly 45 degree incline. And you know what? I (mostly) loved it!
As we embarked on the hike, I couldn’t help but wonder what the f*ck I had gotten myself into. I was slipping and sliding in the mud, squeezing past rocks, and even jumping down a couple of feet to get to the path below. To make matters worse, there were numerous standing puddles of water along the way. Kayak Zack, advised us to boldly step right into the middle of the puddles, claiming that skirting around the edges would only lead to slipping and tumbling. Before we knew it, we found ourselves crossing the Wailua river, downstream from where we’d abandoned our trusty kayaks and transformed into 18th-century explorers. Seems to me like it would have just been easier to float down the river to this point…
Still Hiking To Secret Falls
About halfway down the trail, Kayak Zack tells us we’ve hit “the boardwalk”. Put up when the trail was shut down during Covid in 2020, the boardwalk is like walking on easy street. It was a total game changer! At this point in the adventure, the trail transitioned from rugged terrain to an inviting wooden path that provided a welcome reprieve for weary hikers. Honestly, without the existence of The Boardwalk, I’m not sure this hiking tale I’m telling is nearly as upbeat.
Despite the Boardwalk doing its best to make the hike easy, I couldn’t help but ask myself every few minutes, “Where in the world is this damn waterfall?” Sure, Kayak Zack’s anecdotes about plants and animals were entertaining, but I was tired of the foreplay and ready for the big bang. As if that wasn’t enough, we were even tricked by a mini-waterfall along the way. I hadn’t really done my homework on Secret Falls, so I couldn’t be entirely certain that the little waterfall wasn’t our ultimate destination. To top it off, Zack insisted that we all pose for pictures in front of it, in the freezing cold water. If it had turned out to be Secret Falls, it would have had a new secret: witnessing the demise of Kayak Zack.
Uluwehi Falls (Secret Falls)
When we finally reached the falls, it was pretty spectacular. This is a waterfall straight out of a movie. 120 ft drop into a pool of water you can swim in, and many people were. The sound of the cascading water was like music to our ears, soothing and invigorating at the same time. Surrounded by the rugged terrain and lush vegetation, the waterfall indeed felt like a stage in nature’s grand amphitheater, inviting us to be part of its captivating performance. We found our own little spot on the steep hillside, where we could savor our meal of gas station donuts and Doritos and immerse ourselves in the breathtaking panorama. Moments like these are etched in our memories forever, a perfect blend of adventure and tranquility, shared with 20-30 strangers, as this was a very popular spot.
My wife and our youngest daughter decided they were going to go try and swim in the pool beneath the falls. And I’m just standing there thinking, “Nah, that water looks way too cold for me.” They go in up to their waists and then quickly change their minds. Kayak Zack took some family photos with the four of us in front of the falls that were all photobombed by at least one random person. The place was so crowded, it was impossible to get a decent shot without a stranger in it. And to top it off, even the damn mermaids showed up to ruin my pictures:
Hiking Back
The walk back from the falls seemed to stretch on for an eternity. Along the way, Kayak Zack paused to introduce us to the intriguing “touch me not” or Mimosa pudica plants, which seem to have the same reaction to strangers touching them that I have…. they f-ing hate it. Touching these plants causes the leaves to disappear faster than than a Pabst Blue Ribbon at a Nascar race.
Our Final Voyage
We reached our kayaks and this time my youngest daughter and I went together while my older daughter went with my wife. Kayak Zack informed us that usually going back is more difficult because of the prevailing winds and wouldn’t you know it, that mf-er was right again. It was a battle against the wind the whole way back and the weather started to deteriorate with light rain falling. Zack tried to keep our spirits up with bad dad jokes and riddles, but we had no interest in his clown-kayak sideshow.
After we made it back and secured the kayaks, we put our gear back in the car and said our goodbyes to Zack with a fairly generous tip (he was a really good tour guide). I quizzed him about where we should go to eat for lunch. He gave me several “locals” places that seemed like very good choices for a unique and tasty dining experience including Kalena Fish Market in Lihue and Da Crack Mexican Grinds in Koloa, not far from Brennecke’s Beach and Puka Dog. I reported back to my family what I had learned about good local dining options so we could make our lunch decision.
As we waited in the drive through at McDonalds, the rain really began to pick up. When we finally got our food, we had plenty of time to eat it as traffic was nearly at a standstill in Lihue. We finally made it back to the rest for some rest and pool time. But our day was far from over.
Lu’au Kalamaku
My hot take on Lu’aus? Well, I figure once is enough, but my girls seem to get a kick out of them, the drinks flow freely, and it’s one less dinner bill for me to worry about (even though, let’s face it, those Lu’au tickets don’t come cheap). Lu’au Kalamaku is the undisputed champion of Luaus on Kauai, so that is where we went.
We arrived early at 4:30 because I had been easily upsold on the train ride. On arrival, I missed the turn into the facility and ended up driving down a road at a community college with no good spots to turn around. Normally this is not noteworthy, but after finally turning around, we were met by a security guard who informed us that the road was closing for an unspecified reason. We pleaded with him to let us through so we wouldn’t miss our roasted pig and unlimited alcohol, and he thankfully obliged.
You won’t be surprised to hear that it was lightly raining as we got out of the car and went into the facility. We scanned our tickets, were escorted to our tables, and then were invited to go check out the “artisan vendors” out back. I headed to the bar knowing I was going to need a lot of alcohol for this. Shockingly they weren’t serving Pina Coladas. A Lu’au without a Pina Colada is like a waterfall without a mermaid photobombing your pictures. So I settled for a Blue Hawaiian (it’s a drink, not a local that looks like a smurf) and went outside to prevent my family from spending the family fortune on the “artisan vendors”.
Jungle Train
After fighting off an avalanche of charms, knick knacks, bracelets, and locally sourced jelly, we went and got in line for the train ride. The ticket taker/conductor/train tour guide chatted us up a bit as we waited in line. The guy probably had to wear thick boots to hit the 5 ft mark. He claimed he was a musician, and in fact, a member of Weird Al Yankovic’s band.
He also told us that the train was used in the filming of the Disney movie Jungle Cruise, and I was able to verify that. All the staff got to meet Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and he was a very humble and down to earth person. “Shorty” also told us the The Rock brought his family back for a visit later and that he has a vacation home somewhere on Kauai.
The “highlight” of the train trip is when it stops on the back side of the property and everyone can get out and feed the animals that have been chasing the train around knowing they are going to get fed. There was a mad rush to get off the train, shove some food in a horse’s face, and take a picture of it. I decided I would hang back and take some pictures of the animals feeding the animals.
When faced with the whimsical sight of cow tongues, my initial hesitation stood in stark contrast to the eagerness displayed by the rest of my family. They swiftly disembarked from the train, elbowing their way to the front to capture close-up shots of the unusual spectacle. We don’t see a lot of cows in Nebraska…. #Sarcasm
Finally Feeding Time For The Humans
When we returned from the train ride, I was quite hungry. Our Hawaiian Big Macs felt like a distant dream. Luckily, as soon as we got back from the train trip, they began dismissing tables to the buffet. No fancy ceremonies or ancient rituals, just the timeless spectacle of people gleefully gobbling down their meals.
The food was OK, as it tends to be at these things. Their sneaky trick is to keep you salivating and waiting, so by the time you take a bite, you’re famished. I’m not usually one for banana cream pie, but these little banana cream tarts they had were surprisingly good that night. I threw down at least 6 of them. Maybe I was just experiencing a pregnancy craving.
When we sauntered back to our table post-Rock-Train Trip, another family had been assigned the other half of our table, blissfully oblivious to the slice of movie history they had just missed. Interestingly, not a single word was exchanged between us throughout the whole night. No “where are you from” or “what do you do” small talk nonsense… nada. If only every encounter could be that delightfully silent at these shindigs.
Showtime
During the performance, a particularly intense squall decided to crash the party, whipping up the wind and cranking up the rain intensity. Despite having a roof over our heads, we were in an “open air” venue with a tree growing out of the top. So, we got a bit damp and chilly, adding some extra “flavor” to the experience. But hey, the show must go on! The stage was smack dab in the middle of the room, surrounded by tables on all sides – quite the unique setup compared to other lu’aus I’ve been to. Lu’au Kalamaku can thank Def Leppard for this pioneering idea. 🤘
I’ve been to a fair share of Lu’au shows, and let’s be real, they can start blending together after a while. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve got mad respect for Polynesian culture, but after a day of feasting, sailing the high seas, Photographing waterfalls, and tending to those “wild” Animals, I’m all about cutting to the chase. How about we trim the show a bit and skip to the Pyromania finale? Maybe even add a little unexpected spark to spice things up and create a little Hysteria?
Heading “Home” To The Hyatt
After the show, I could already sense the inevitable urge of the girls to splurge on some “artisanal” items. I figured I might as well start Bringin on the Heartbreak now…. I let them know we would be leaving immediately. Those vendors weren’t Foolin me with their bracelets. I knew I could get them on Amazon for $1. My wife would be unhappy with me for the rest of the evening, but its not like Armageddon It anyway when we’re holed up in a hotel room with the girls.
As soon as the show ended, we made a mad dash to our vehicle. Why, you ask? Well, first, because it was raining cats and dogs outside. And second, because I saw how people had parked, and I didn’t want to be stuck trying to exit the parking lot with them. Getting out of the property went pretty smoothly, and before we knew it, we were sitting in Lihue traffic! Ah, the joys of island life. We finally made it back to the resort and as we settled into our beds that night, we had no idea that Kauai wasn’t finished Pouring Some Sugar On Us yet. Cheers to unexpected adventures!
OTHER ARTICLES IN THIS SERIES DETAILING MY ADVENTURE IN HAWAII:
- Days 1 & 2 – Flying to Kauai, Waimea Canyon, Puka Dog, and those damn NY Giants
- Days 4 to 6 – Horseback riding in the rain, Waterfall Adventure, Kīlauea Lighthouse, United Airlines Annoyances
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